3 Useful Mindset Skills

Welcome to your quick-start emails to Transform Stress. Thanks for joining!

I’m Tom, founder of TStress.com, which is short for Transform Stress. I’m your guide!

This is your first email in a series. The series will share the skills for stress I use. I have found them helpful to reverse worry, conflict, or struggle right then in the moment.

I use these skills each day… at work, with family, in health, and in dreaming. You can, too.(I’m right here with you, it’s us against stress!)

To start, I made a map for us. This map lays out new skills for stress (map link, print in color please). Each skill on the map has an icon to help anchor it in the brain.

Here’s the idea: Have you ever needed to restart your phone or computer because it was slow, glitchy, or crashing? Once we restart our tech, it usually works better.

That’s what the map is to stress: a reset. When we feel the weight of worry, the discomfort of conflict, or the strain of struggle, we can use the map to reset turning…

Worry -> Renewal

Conflict -> Connection

Struggle -> Strength

The Map helps me avoid getting lost or going back to old ways. It’s made up of 5 areas where stress hurts most:

5 AREAS WHERE STRESS HURTS MOST

1. 1. Mindset (today’s topic)
2. 2. People
3. 3. Strategy
4. 4. Action
5. 5. Outcomes
6.  

Say these 5 areas out loud with me (go ahead, I’m right here with you).

Say them again.

Now, one more time (this is what reversing stress feels like. You’re doing great!).

Identifying where stress hurts matters. When we can spot stress faster we can reverse it sooner (avoiding some pain!). When we can use a skill for stress we can move closer to what we need or want.

Important: If you don’t have a printed copy of the Map yet, print one now (map link). Your printed map can be a useful resource/reset for stress from here forward..

On the map you’ll find 15 skills. Now, 15 skills could create some overwhelm. You might be thinking, “OMGosh, there are 15 skills, Tom? That’s a lot!

Let’s label that feeling. I call it “The Trap!” The Trap is the belief that we need all 15 skills to transform stress. Here’s the truth…

I’ve found that one or two skills alone can Transform Stress. With worry, I might use the Meaning Cheat Sheet skill. With conflict, I might use the Oak Tree Maturity skill. With Struggle, I might use the Q&A Decisions skill or Clock & Calendar Fitness skill.

Just one or two skills helps me Transform Stress. Remember, I’m your guide. I’ll help you avoid The Trap so you can reverse worry, conflict, struggle.

Do you have your printed Map in hand (map link)? Great, let’s get going!

Inside each of the 5 areas on the map, there are skills. In this email, you’ll learn the Mindset Skills for Stress.

MINDSET SKILLS (see pictures/icons on your printed map, left column)

1. 1. The Meaning Cheat Sheet Skill
2. 2. The Hunger Scale Skill
3. 3. The Faith & Trust Flag Skill
4.  

These skills help me Transform Stress in Mindset. I’m able to move away from worry (overthinking & overwhelm). I’m able to move towards renewal (clarity, refreshed spirit, a path forward).

Helping you here is super exciting for me! Grab your printed map. It’s time to talk Mindset skills. Let’s start!

The Meaning Cheat Sheet Skill

The meaning we give things determines beliefs. These beliefs (meanings) drive behaviors that ultimately result in outcomes. These outcomes can make us happy or sad. Let’s go after the happy outcomes!

Here’s the secret…

We get to choose the meaning of an experience, event, or response/reaction (any stimulus).

In other words, X does not have to equal A. X can equal B, C, D. We GET to choose.

X represents a stimulus of some sort that feels stressful. And, A, B, C, D are different meanings we can choose for that stress feeling.

(specific examples are coming shortly in this email)

Now, this does not mean that we choose meaning made of half truths. We don’t get to make something up to pacify the discomfort of worry, conflict, or struggle. In other words, choosing a fantasy meaning for X is not an “easy out.”

What it does mean is this. We get to choose what to believe that renews our understanding, spirit, or feeling of hope. When I do this, my behavior changes (or the behavior of the person I might be relating with). Here’s an example:

Not long ago I asked my three boys to clean the kitchen (counters, dishes, floors). They know once they clean the kitchen, I’ll inspect their work. I don’t do this to flex my domination as Dad. Rather, I want to ensure high expectations. For the work and for themselves. So, I inspect their final product.

When they finished cleaning the kitchen, I came to check their work. They did a pretty good job: generally neat counters, generally done dishes, generally clean floors.

But, I saw a few items on the counters that needed to be put away. I noticed a dish or two that wasn’t done. I found some crumbs on the floor.

I pointed these items out to my three boys. I received a subtle eyeroll from the two older boys. But, my youngest boy began to get watery eyes. I could see he was about to cry.

I said, “Alex, what’s wrong?” He looked at me and said, “It’s never good enough.”

Internally I was thinking, “Oh dear, I put too much pressure on this kid.” But, I knew he simply assigned a disempowering (A) meaning to my feedback (X, the stimulus)

Not feeling enough is one of the most hurtful feelings a human can experience. It’s not good.

So I said, “Alex, can I share what I mean (notice I responded with a question)? What you did was amazing! I mean the counters here are tidy. I noticed you made sure any dish in the house was washed, not just the ones in the kitchen (I gave a specific example). And, these floors over here are so clean I can see my reflection in them! What you did was really amazing!”

Then, I asked Alex another question.

“Alex, is it that the work isn’t good enough? Or, could it be that the work just isn’t done yet?”

He immediately shifted his focus from “I’m not good enough” to “oh, I just need to finish my work. I can do that.” (X now equaled B, new meaning)

He stopped crying. He knocked out the remaining kitchen-cleaning items. And, in 5 minutes I had a clean kitchen and a happy Alex. (Also, my other two boys saw this play out. Now, they are better armed to Transform Stress using the Meaning Cheat Sheet, too!)

The Meaning Cheat Sheet Skill.

We get to choose beliefs with an empowering meaning. X doesn’t have to equal A. X can equal B, C, or D. And, sometimes we need help finding a different meaning for B, C, or D. And, that’s ok.

Here’s one more potent Meaning Cheat Sheet Skill example.

I know someone whose spouse is going through life-ending health challenges. I was talking with this person about the situation. They needed someone to just listen for a bit. And, while that person was talking they made a statement.

Now, this is a multi-decade relationship and marriage. One of the partners is losing the other. The declining partner is going to disappear mentally, then physically. This is about as heavy as it gets. Perhaps only second to losing a child.

This person was sharing their frustration with the demands of their role. How hard it can be. How alone it can feel. How they just yearned for a break. Then, this person made a statement I’ll never forget.

“But, it’s the honor of my life to take care of my partner.”

For this person, it’s not a burden. It’s not unfair. It’s an honor.

This was the meaning given to the feelings of hard, isolation, and sacrifice. Life was turning out different than both had imagined.

Now, you tell me which meaning would Transform Stress in with the situation?

Which meaning would reverse the worry, struggle, stress that came with the brutal facts of reality? (not make the worry, struggle, stress disappear, simply reverse it).

This person chose the meaning, “taking care of my partner is the honor of my life.”

The Meaning Cheat Sheet. If I was to pick just one Transform Stress skill to use every day, I would pick the this one.

Here’s how you can apply the Meaning Cheat Sheet Skill today.

Name a worry or struggle. By naming it, we define it. Then, imagine what else the worry or struggle could mean.

Could it mean, as it did for Alex, that the job just isn’t done. Could it mean, as it did for the person described above, that taking care of their partner during a life-ending health journey was the honor of their life?

What else could the worry, conflict, or struggle “X” mean for you? What would it have to mean to create clarity and a renewed spirit? (PS: I’d love to hear what you came up with. If you feel like sharing, email [email protected] using the subject Meaning Cheat Sheet)

Next: The Hunger Scale Skill

The Hunger Scale Skill is about having an AMBITION for something that matters to your core!

This hunger is so important, so energizing when you think of it, so emotionally fueling, that action MUST be taken.

Here’s an important part of the Hunger Scale Skill: The drive is selfless. And, it’s simply non negotiable. It’s a human need, for you.

Practically, the Hunger Scale Skill is the intersection of three circles: 1) want more 2) it matters 3) must do it.

Imagine waking up and standing on the scale of life. What does the scale’s display show?

Does it show a giant mountain of a goal?

Or, does it show a numerical outcome?

Or, does it show people depending on you?

Now, the Hunger Scale Skill is not a drive for credit. Rather, it’s an intrinsic drive for cause (that selfless aspect). I believe that is why I’ve seen it reverse worry, conflict, or struggle when those feelings show up.

Here are some examples of the Hunger Scale Skill in action:

Mr Rogers. Did Mr. Rogers host his children’s television show because he wanted credit? Or, did Mr. Rogers believe the productive, healthy growth of children was important to society? (And that television was a great way to see this belief through)

Dr. King. Was Dr. King at the pulpit preaching that he alone found the answer to equality? Was Dr. King counting followers? No. He was sharing his ambition (dream) and asking people to walk with him towards that dream.

Sully. If you’re not familiar with Sully, he was the captain of a US Airways airliner that struck birds on takeoff from New York in 2009. Subsequently, both engines stopped working. Sully and his crew glided the airliner to a successful landing on the Hudson River. Everyone lived.

Now, do you believe Sully’s hunger to safely land his powerless airliner in a river was derived from the cheers, speaking engagements, books, and fame to come?

Doubt it.

My bet is that Sully’s hunger was his ambition to keep his crew and passengers safe, no matter the challenge. His cause might have gone something like this: I have 150 lives I’m responsible for. I will get them on the ground, back to their families, safely.

And he did.

(He later wrote that he had been preparing for that moment his entire flying career through study, training, rehearsing. The Meaning Cheat Sheet in action!)

Finally, I know of a Fortune CEO who runs a multi-billion dollar organization. I once heard an investor challenge him on the company’s dividend policy. See, the company had recently made headlines with layoff and asset sale decisions.

Here’s how I remember the CEO responding.

He reminded the investor that the company actions were important to maintaining that dividend. And, that maintaining the dividend mattered because millions of retirees were depending on it for their income to eat, pay for the doctor, or spoil their grandkids.

He wasn’t working 80 hour workweeks and making tough judgement calls for credit. Rather, he was working 80 hour workweeks and making very tough calls for cause. (fun fact, that company has continued to meet its dividend obligation for dozens of decades)

Now, sometimes the Hunger Scale Skill shows up in other ways. Like in a personal or organizational mission. Examples:

Tony Robbins – end suffering

Feed American – no one is hungry

Michigan Nature Association – acquire, protect, and maintain the natural environment

The Hunger Scale Skill really matters. The breadth of this skill can be small and narrow (ensure the kids know they matter, even if I only have a few minutes today).

The Hunger Scale can be can be large and wide. (find a way to pay millions of retirees the dividend they depend on without jeopardizing the company).

It can be something for the day, week, month, quarter, decade, or lifetime.

For fun, here’s mine: See Haley’s comet again with my family around me (I’ll be 84). (PS: This is your official invitation join us!)

What thing worth the effort shows up when you step on your Hunger Scale?

What is at the center of your three circles: 1) want more 2) it matters 3) must do it.

What cause do you so deeply care about that you need to deliver on to feel whole. (PS: I’d love to hear what you came up with. If you feel like sharing, email [email protected] using the subject Hunger Scale)

Next: The Faith & Trust Flag Skill

The Faith & Trust Flag is a CHOSEN belief in something or someone. Now, here’s the hard part. Often, there is an absence of hard data to support this belief. Yet, there is adequate soft data: a conviction, a knowing, a decision in a person, an idea, or a belief. Some call this soft data a person’s values.

However, the Faith & Trust Flag is NOT a false reality created for convenience. It’s not making stuff up.

Here are some examples.

Gravity. How much faith and trust do we have in gravity? If we’re standing atop stairs and decide to jump off, we (hopefully) have faith & trust that gravity will pull us to the Earth. We’ll get hurt. We don’t jump off the stairs.

We can’t see gravity. Yet, we know it’s real.

Now, let’s imagine a ball. We’re going to toss that ball in the air. We’re NOT going to catch it. That ball will fly up, stop, then fall to the Earth. Now, here is the challenge:

What if we had a ball labeled “Anger.” What if we tossed that ball up in the air and let it fall to the Earth?

What if we had a ball labeled “Insecurity.” And, we tossed into the air and let it fall to Earth?

What if we had a ball labeled “Total Control.” And, we tossed into the air and let it fall to Earth?

This is an example of the Faith & Trust Flag in action. We toss balls into the air: fear, anger, doubt, insecurity, control. We let them fall to Earth and roll away. No data. Just faith and trust that letting go of stressful things in life is worth it.

Would that lighten one’s Mindset? Would that help reverse worry, conflict, struggle? Would that help Transform Stress?

I’m not saying this is easy. I’m saying this is possible with Faith and Trust.

Here’s another example.

I believe being a rockstar, great parent matters. Part of being a great parent is simply being present with the kids. Now, I also value being fit. Both take time. It’s a paradox. How do I chose?

I put Faith & Trust in this paradox. I need to take care of myself: physically, mentally, financially, etc. I’ve got to do that. And I have to have Faith & Trust that if I do that, I will be a reliable parent, a strong friend, a respected peer, a safe partner.

Now, I can’t prove this. There are days where I allocate too much time to the gym or too much time to work. When I measure the quantity of time for kids those days, the kids get shorted. (pro tip: when this happens, I optimize for quality of time with each kiddo, which reverses my worry, like the 20 minutes of fishing I did with my youngest at 9:30 pm one summer evening!)

The snapshot of “too much time at the gym or at work” might reveal a misleading picture: my kids are not a priority. Yet, I know when I plant my Faith & Trust Flag in taking care of my needs, I can take care of everyone else needs. Needs like fishing with Alex, biking with Bennet, talking tech with Raymond. The kids are a priority that matter. This is especially real when I stretch out the time snapshot from a day to to a week, month, year, or lifetime (like the comet goal above).

Example: I may have “shorted” the kids on time together today. But, measured over a week, we did a lot together. They feel loved, supported, worthy, and that they matter.

(pro tip, for connection and stronger partnerships, try aiming towards one of these feelings with people (kids, partner, peers).

It’s a conviction, a knowing, a decision. Some call this values or gut feel. No matter. I found it can reverse worry, conflict, and struggle for me.

So, what Faith & Trust Flag(s) do you need to pull out of the ground, today? What NEW Faith & Trust Flags do you need to plant? (PS: I’d love to hear what you came up with. If you feel like sharing, email [email protected] using the subject Faith & Trust Flag)

New Skills for Stress, Follow the Map

Today we covered:

5 Areas Where Stress Hurts Most:

1) Mindset 2) People 3) Strategy 4) Action 5) Outcomes.

An introduction to the printed map (you did print your own map, yes? (map link)).

The New Skills for Stress under Mindset that help me reverse worry, conflict, struggle.

1. 1. The Meaning Cheat Sheet Skill
2. 2. The Hunger Scale Skill
3. 3. The Faith & Trust Flag Skill
4.  

I hope you found this useful!

Your next email will cover another area of the Map where stress can hurt: with People.

We will cover specific skills to help reverse conflict into connection positive influence, and stronger partnerships (at work, at home, at life).

Here’s a sneak peak of the People Skills for Stress:

1. 1. The Moonshot Outlook Skill
2. 2. The Judgement Skill (as in making good judgement calls)
3. 3. The Oak Tree Maturity Skill (I use it almost daily to reverse conflict in under 10 seconds!)
4.  

PS: If you want to peak at all the Skills for Stress, tap this link.

Look for your next email soon this week!

Until then, let’s Transform Stress together -Tom